I’ve heard from plenty of couples that probably the least favorite part of planning their elopement was “telling friends and family”. However, I have yet to come across anyone having a terrible experience when doing so – but, still, it helps to stay prepared.
Let’s be real a minute, there’s really nothing to be anxious about. Most of the time couples are met with happiness and enthusiasm for being outright different in their choice to elope.
The decision on how and when you tell your closest loved ones will eventually need to be a choice you make as a couple, but it will need to happen. You can’t keep it a secret forever! There truly isn’t a right or wrong way to tell anyone you are eloping or that you have already eloped. What matters is what is most meaningful to you and what fists your vision and leaves you feeling confident.
How to tell Your Friends and Family You are Eloping:
- Should you tell them (or wait)?
This is up to you and how close you feel your relationship with your family and friends is. First and foremost, you should always protect your peace. And sometimes, its better to “ask forgiveness, than permission”. I’ve never been one to keep secrets from my closest friends or family members, so if I did it all over again, I’d set aside a time to tell them my plans, individually or together as a group.
When selecting the route where you don’t want anyone to attend, or anyone to know, just don’t tell anyone! This is the best way to keep it stress free.
- Who should you tell first: Tell the ones who you know will support your decision.
I always say to tell your closest friends and family first and it should start to trinkle from there! For me it would be my parents, in-laws, siblings, besties and grandparents. A nice small circle but once my grandmother hears big news—everyone knows. Heck, she knew I was engaged and told everyone WELL before the ring was even on my finger!
Sometimes your family and friends just want to know that you are getting married, and want you to be happy with your choice to elope. They won’t need any convincing.
- When should you tell them? Asap or after you elope! Be excited when sharing the news, too. Share the plans, like where you want to go and what it will be like. Tell them your reasons why you want to elope and why it’s important to you. Remember this is your wedding day, not theirs.
You can decide to tell them before, the day of (surprise!) or after! The possibilities are endless, and I’ll be going into more detail on how to share the news at each stage throughout this article.
Hint at it ASAP.
After engagement, hint at the possibility of elopement. Drip and trinkle it in to every day conversation before the big reveal.
If you know you want them to get involved in some way, this is the best way hint and to let them know. Be excited and most of all- stand your ground! Say something to the effect of “we just are looking to do something small, less traditional but I still want you involved in the process”. This encourages them to process the information and sit with the fact that there may or may not be an invite for them in the future.
Usually once engaged, families and friends usually ask, “when’s the date?” and when you decide to elope this information may not be readily available. You may want to elope soon or maybe wait a few months before you really dig into planning it all out. Just know it’s ok to change your mind a hundred times. Don’t let anyone rush you to pick a day. You can have a short or long engagement if you wish! Tell your friends and family as early as you can, to give them time to understand and fully support your decision.
Again you don’t need to try and convince anyone of YOUR choice.
Some popular ways to tell them before your elopement day:
- Pre-Elopement party or Engagement party: in-Person can seem like the best way to share the news. It gets it all out there, in front of everyone in one solid move. This way everyone can come and celebrate your engagement, and you can take the time to share the big announcement of your plans one time. Consider this the “easy way” to rip off the Band-Aid.
- “We are Eloping” Announcements: like a wedding invite, this announcement is mailed out or delivered in person (your choice!) and gives you a bit of freedom to step back. They don’t have as much detail except your date and if you have a registry!
- Tell them you plan to elope but say nothing else! Keep it a total surprise! This is a fun way of letting them know you plan to, but they won’t know when until it happened or happening. One minute they are sitting at home minding their business, and the next you’re calling on facetime from the mountain top to tell them its already happened!
Tell them of your plans and be super excited!
After they’ve processed the news, they are going to want to know your plans. Show them some inspirational photos or your Pinterest boards. Show them your photographers’ work if you have selected them (ahem!) They may begin to see the vision and help you bring it all together!
A couple of reasons you may have:
– you just want it to be the two of you
-you want to have an experience vs a large extravagant party. Another way to put it as a “hard launch” of your honeymoon!
– Saving money for travel, family, home etc. vs a big wedding
– prefer a smaller setting or even an outdoorsy setting like the mountains or beach
Ease the blow with simpler terms:
Using words like “small wedding”, “Small party” or “short guest list” or even “No guest list”, this can help a less than understanding recipient gain understanding that this will be a smaller affair and to not expect to be invited.
Let them know if you want their involvement:
Ask them if they want to be involved or if you have an idea that you want to share with them, this is the perfect time! When telling family and friends before you elope you give yourself and them more time to get involved and help pull off the best wedding day ever! Further into this guide I’ll be going over the many ways you can involve family and friends before, during and even after your Elopement.
Hot tip: you may find some people once they know you are planning to elope will convince you to have a more traditional wedding. Hold on to your core reason for eloping and remember no one can take away your choice for you.
Elopements are anything but traditional, some if not a lot of your friends and family, especially the older generations, will not come to understand it and will be upset.
To them they think you are running off to Vegas (who said that’s a bad thing anyway?!) The concept of eloping if foreign and it’s also very new these recent years! In fact, I had a conversation with a gentleman recently who informed me his son eloped in Colorado and at first, he didn’t understand what was so special about Colorado and why so suddenly for the weekend. And we chatted a bit and it was because it’s a self-solemnizing state and they wanted a very intimate wedding together after being partners for 15 years! He was really understanding but was confused because all these terms were so new to him.
At the end of it all, you have the choice to go as big or keep it as small as you wish, however you tell them. Do whatever makes sense to you when it comes to telling them in person.
How to tell Family and Friends You Eloped (after the fact!):
So, you know who you are going to tell, however, you could also decide to tell friends and family AFTER you have already eloped. But how will you announce it? Here’s a few ideas:
- Have Post Elopement Celebration: Not quite a reception – although you still can!- but sometime during the day of after your ceremony, or any day after your elopement, you can host a great party (think brunch or dinner!) I love the idea of a cookout, backyard games and drinks while talking about your experience.
- Send Announcements: Like “pre” announcing, you can say “hey We Eloped already!” It’s a cool way to share an image or two from your elopement
- Have a Virtual party! No one said this had to be in person 😉 I love to see these as a Zoom or facetime call with everyone you desire and share your photographs and videos from your wedding day. Everyone can snuggle up with their drink of choice and watch as you share each image one by one with them.
How to Deal with a not so happy Family.
You may have a run in or two about family not happy with your decision to elope. Like I said in the beginning, you have some try to convince you to change your mind. This can be stressful and downright miserable to deal with, especially when there might be a few snide comments shared.
- Serenity now! Honestly, you cannot control what people do and say about the choices you make that are best for you. End of story. Sometimes it’s best to live and let live. You can try to be the bigger person and share some empathy: “I know you are upset, but this is really important to us”. And never forget “No” is a complete sentence.
- Set those boundaries. When you make the decision to elope, you should know your boundaries and hold firmly to them. Re-affirm if you want them to know how you want them to share in your day while also sticking firm to why you are eloping and that this is happening.
Hold strong in your reasons.
No one *really* needs an explanation about YOUR wedding, but sometimes you just need a bit of back up to your claim. Plus, it will help ease the blow if they won’t be present on the day of your ceremony.
It’s going to test your patience (hell most wedding planning do anyway!) Don’t take it too personally. Most of the time it’s them voicing their opinions without any real ill intention. Validate their feelings a little bit, empathize with them and just stand firm in your reasons. You can do this!
How to Involve your Friends and Family in your Elopement:
Before your Elopement Day:
Invite to shop for attire and the classic like cake tasting if you are having it, recommendations on vendors like florals, photography, maybe even a private chef or lodging options.
I swear my mother’s face while wedding dress shopping was the light of her life!
Cake tasting (if you plan to have a cake), is so much fun with a group, you can get a sample platter from your chosen baker and make a fun time with it with friends or close family.
Get recommendations on vendors you are hoping to have: Private Chef? Florist? Any lodging plans they may recommend? Planning your elopement doesn’t have to be a small thing, you can get all the help you need from anyone who has the information.
Looking for a fun guide to help you figure out some fun activities to do together? I got you!
Their Involvement during your Elopement Day:
Probably the most fun option if you are like me and can’t live without your family being involved in some way shape or form!
If they won’t be present on the day of:
Facetime calls are so cute and personal!
Not everyone can hike a mountain or travel long distances, so this is a great option to let your family and friends see you in your attire, and send well wishes in real time. It creates a sense of them being there with you even if they physically cannot attend.
Wear heirlooms, or family trinkets.
On my wedding day I wasn’t going anywhere without my great grandmother’s pearls or the sixpence my grandfather deliberately tracked down for me. Heirlooms and trinkets not only add to the details of your day, but it can visibly show family how much they mean to you and how close you want them to be on your wedding day.
Have them write your personal letters to read on your special day or even send you a quick video!
On the day of your elopement, away from it all, it would be so heart warming to read or hear the kind words from friends and family wishing you happiness and love. And it would make a great box of keepsakes to look back on every anniversary!
If they are present the day of:
Get ready together:
If they are present and will attend your ceremony with you, have everyone get ready together. Like some traditional wedding days, there’s family traditions that happen together prior to the ceremony. It’s a great way to still have that involvement without the larger affair!
Have them say a short speech:
This can be at your ceremony or while you are all enjoying a picnic prior or after. Have select members of your group write out a speech and speak to it out loud at your celebration. Give them some prompts on what to say, such as how proud they are of you, well wishes for your future etc. It’s an emotional and special way to involve them and give them a big role to take part in your wedding celebration
Have someone officiate:
This is a great way to have ceremony involvement from someone important to you. They can go “full traditional” ceremony or riff their own script. It’s completely unique and personalized just for you! Just be sure you give them an idea of how long you want or how short you want it to be and what you envision.
Throw a celebratory breakfast or dinner!
Aside from getting ready together you may also want to have a celebratory breakfast or brunch to start your elopement day with the ones closest to you. Second to that, you may consider a post dinner celebration. It’s a great way to get everyone together, get some food and drink in their bellies and say a few words, laugh and have a great time.
Involvement After your Elopement Day:
Sometimes, I find most couples want to still have a bigger celebration to show off that they got married. My brother and his wife chose to have a smaller elopement themselves, and then they had a larger wedding celebration a year later. It was so much fun!
Post Celebration dinner, maybe even a full reception!
Like I mentioned previously, my brother decided on this option. It’s a great way to “meet in the middle” for family too! You can have the intimate ceremony you dreamed of, and your family gets the big celebration they also want. Win-win!
It also doesn’t need to be a large party; you can choose a small-scale dinner or even a backyard BBQ. The options are endless!
Share your album or printed images.
Parents LOVE to have their own copy of a parent album this makes a great gift! You can also have a night scheduled to come visit (yours or theirs) and bring your album and prints, have a little wine, champagne and charcuterie. It’s a perfect option to have a low-key post celebration while still sharing the magic of your wedding day.
Choosing to elope is easy, telling your family and friends doesn’t have to be difficult either. Now you have the tools and ideas needed to lessen the sting and get married in the way that speaks to you! The last thing you could every want is to regret not having the wedding day you dream of simply because someone else had a differing opinion.
I provide a free full guide to planning your elopement with every booking, get in touch to learn more about how I can’t help you plan the elopement of your dreams!
